Small Talk

 

I headed to the station leaving plenty of time

For me to park and figure out how to pay

Shuffled over to the platform, mingled with the other cattle,

we were herded onto the train.

And over suited up commuters, booting up computers

I heard a woman next to me say

“Isn’t it good to be out again?”

But I just froze

 

Coz I’ve forgotten how to do small talk

My tongue has fallen out with my brain

The words are there but clinging to the skin of my teeth

And they don’t seem to want to escape

I could have talked for my country

I represented my town

But now the words are sitting up upon the roof of my mouth

And they don’t seem to want to come down,

no they don’t seem to want to come down

 

I made it to the festival in plenty of time

For me to park and settle down for the night

And a couple in a camper camping next to me said

Why don’t you join us in a bottle of wine?

So I went to find a blanket, I was given a Pinot and drank it

As I sat within a foot of the fire

They asked me ‘where have you come from’? and ‘how was the drive’?

But I just froze

 

Coz I’ve forgotten how to do small talk

My tongue has fallen out with my brain

The words are there but clinging to the skin of my teeth

And they don’t seem to want to escape

I could have talked for my country

I represented my town

But now the words are sitting up upon the roof of my mouth

And they don’t seem to want to come down,

 

There was a time my conversation would fly faster than

A Jedi Interceptor to the moon

But now I sound like Yoda overdosing on Diazepam

And I can’t see that changing very soon

 

Coz I’ve forgotten how to do small talk….

The words are there but clinging to the skin of my teeth

And they don’t seem to want to escape

I could have talked for my country…..

But now the words are sitting up upon the roof of my mouth

And they don’t seem to want to come down

 

Maison D’Etre

 

Our first car was an ’84 Sierra

A couple hundred quid from Exchange and Mart

The windows wouldn’t open and if they did they wouldn’t close

We were lucky if we could get the thing to start

It didn’t have a heater, there were holes in the floor

And the radio was stuck on Radio 4

It didn’t have much, but it had you.

It had you.

 

Our first home was a tiny little place

It was 80 quid a week including all the bills

The hallway smelt like Thursday and the curtain shied away

From the mould there growing on the window sill

And it didn’t have a garden or a telephone line

You could only really heat one room at a time

It didn’t have much, but it had you.

It had you.

 

Now my life is a simple little life

I’m just trying to work it out along the way

There are ups and there are downs, there is rough and there is smooth

And the sandpaper’s used every day

It doesn’t have riches, it doesn’t have fame

And it doesn’t have everyone screaming my name

It doesn’t have much, but it has you.

It has you.

 

Living Again

 

It’s halfway through the afternoon I spend so much time in bed

That I hardly give the memory foam a moment to forget

I look for motivation from the ceiling or the wall

Even though I know they don’t know how I’m feeling at all

 

Getting out’s not easy but I really have to try

To replace these walls with trees and this ceiling with the sky

And listen to the birds and hear the bustle of the town

Without the curtain and the window stealing the high end from the sound

 

I need a long walk in the countryside, I need coffee in the street

I need smiling at people that I’ll probably never meet

And I haven’t seen the ocean since I can’t remember when

I need to fall in love with living again

Thumbing through my telephone to help me pass the time

I’m watching others live their lives instead of living mine

I feel like I’m losing out, I’ve only got myself to blame

Coz if you spend your whole life on the bench you’ll never win the game

 

I need to walk along the shoreline, with my bare feet on the sand

See dads and daughters skimming stones, see children holding hands

and I haven’t watched the sun set since I can’t remember when

I need to fall in love with living again

I need a night out at the movies,

I need going to the show

I need staying out with good friends like I did so long ago

I haven’t seen the sun rise since I can’t remember when

I need to fall in love with living again

I need to fall in love with living again

 

Isolation Row

 

I should have seen this coming, I shouldn’t be surprised

I’ve always been so cautious, but it was only a matter of time

It started with a headache and I realised I couldn’t smell

There was a tiny feint line on the lateral flow so I did a PCR as well

And then the NHS they sent a text saying they need to let me know

That I’d have to spend the next ten days here on Isolation Row

 

So I began to worry, it was all so surreal.

Everyone has a different reaction, how was I supposed to feel?

But I’ve had both vaccinations and I’ve kinda got my health

So I know that I will be okay, at least that’s what I told myself

So I threw a few essentials on the dining room table, made a bed up on the floor below

And tried to make myself at home here on Isolation Row

 

The very next thing I noticed was my tastebuds didn’t work

My espresso could have been ovaltine, but I guess it had its perks

Y’see I managed to save some money, a couple quid each day

Coz beetroot juice and water make for a stunning Beaujolais

Yeah that wasabi ice cream with chili sauce, well, it might as well be snow

I’m chewing blu tack instead of chewing gum here on Isolation Row

 

So today’s my birthday and another year has passed,

It wasn’t all that long ago I thought it could have been my last

I really didn’t think I’d spend it, on my own in these four walls

But millions have had it so much worse, I’m just grateful to be here at all.

Though my get-up-and-go it  has got-up-and-gone and my body still says ‘No’

Tomorrow I’ll be moving out of Isolation Row

I’ll probably never record this song or play it at a show

No I won’t bang on or sing about Isolation Row

Coz no one needs reminding about Isolation Row

 

Don’t Play The Kerryman

 

This is the story of Cameron Chalke

who was born in Southampton and grew up in York

A mighty fine writer who could play and could sing

but he couldn’t get a gig at the Kerryman’s Inn

Y’see he’d given up drinking in seventy four

after spending a week on the bathroom floor

he could write about loss and of love all day long

but he had nothing close to a drinking song

 

He was desperate to play there, he’d beg and he’d plead

He could take his own speakers, and play there for free

but the landlord explained that that wasn’t enough

and that the crowd at the Kerryman could be a bit tough

They don’t really care for your troubles and woes

They want something uplifting about something they know

They need a big chorus and a singalong there

so they can sway side to side with their drinks in the air

 

But Cam was determined, came up with a plan

dipped into his savings, jumped into his van

and drove to the animal shelter town

and rescued four kittens and a couple of hounds

 

And called one of them Whiskey and one of them Rye

one of them Cider and one of them Wine

one of them Brandy and one of them Gin

just to get a gig at the Kerryman’s Inn

 

A week or two later the fair came to town

and Cam and his girlfriend they made their way down

they won hook a duck and the coconut shy

took a tankful of goldfish away as a prize

 

And called one of them Whiskey and one of them Rye

one of them Cider and one of them Wine

one of them Brandy and one of them Gin

just to get a gig at the Kerryman’s Inn

 

A couple years later now sharing their life

Cam and his girlfriend, now Cam and his wife

Tried for a baby but wouldn’t you know

she gave birth to six of them all in one go

 

And called one of them Whiskey and one of them Rye

one of them Cider and one of them Wine

one of them Brandy and one of them Gin

just to get a gig at the Kerryman’s Inn

 

They called one of them Whiskey and one of them Rye

one of them Cider and one of them Wine

one of them Brandy and one of them Gin

and they gave him a gig at the Kerryman’s Inn

 

and it wasn’t as good as he hoped it would be.

 

The Half of the Moon

 

He met her eighteen years ago somewhere on the line

When dating sites were more than simply flicking left or right

You got to know their interests, their records and their books

You got to know what makes them tick not just the way they look

And now they’re sitting on the clifftop looking out across the sea

And she takes his hand in hers and says, “There’s nowhere I’d rather be,

But if you could wish for anything, anything you like

What would you wish for tonight”?

 

I wish it was still the eighties we could go out on a date

A Wimpy and a cinema and stay out really late

We could go watch Dirty Dancing, we could try and do the same,

Or see the one about the breakfast club, I don’t recall the name

And you could wear your favourite batwing, you could even perm your hair

You could wear your Lycra and your neon pink legwarmers everywhere

And I’d wear my linen trousers, have my jumper round my shoulders

And I’d grow a little moustache to make me feel a few years older

 

Yeah if it was still the eighties I’d take you to the reservoir

And we’d have our names on the visor on the windscreen of my car

And a couple of cans of Quattro, some Pacers for the drive

And with the blaring Dukes of Hazzard horn we’d feel so alive

And we could stop off at a viewpoint and ask someone along the way

To take 24ish photos as a memory of our day

Neither of us would do our hair, neither of us would pout

And we’d only have to wait three weeks to see if they came out

 

I’d make a date with Bruno Brookes at 4 o’clock on Sunday

And with a TDK C60 in I’d press record and play

When I heard the songs I know you love and ones I think you’d like

And ones that make me think of you and ones that make me cry

And with an inlay made from Smash Hits magazines and glue and card

I’d take the compilation and I’d leave it in your car

With a note that says I’m sorry, I’m afraid that halfway through

The tape needs turning over or you’ll only get the half of the moon.

 

The half of the moon yeah yeah

 

Yeah I wish it was still the eighties, we could stay in and watch TV

Rentaghost, The Young Ones or the one with Mr. T

Or play Chuckie Egg or Pacman, or help Frogger cross the road

And play Subbuteo and Buckaroo while we wait for them to load

And just once a day, at six, we’d cuddle up and watch the news

And then try and hammer blakeys to the bottom of our shoes

We could try to do the Rubik’s Cube without taking it apart

And in the evening we could rollerskate together through the park

 

The eighties sound amazing and it’s good to reminisce

And I’m sure if I had known you then I’d be in love like this

But I’m not sure it’s the decade that made you feel that way

More that you were in your teens and carefree every day

I know you miss the eighties I can see it in your eyes

You were happier then and everyone you loved was still alive

But a heart can only take so much, don’t fill it with regret

Coz if this was still the eighties we would never have met.

 

After All

 

Lying on the bed, the moisture dripping from the wall

I’m trying to figure out why I am really here at all

From the next room I can hear the muffled thrum of a guitar

Churning chords out in support of what we’ve got so far

 

I see so many others that I knew when I was young,

They tell me what they’re gonna do and they’ve already done

Sometimes when I’m lying here I think there must be more

I wanna do some things that I have never done before

 

And after all I never see you anymore and I can tell

That you’re happy now, you’ve got your girl

You’ve got your life, you’re doing well

 

Now I can’t help thinking that it really should be me,

Having put the effort in since I was in my teens

I wish you well but you can tell I’m only being kind

It’s best that I keep to myself what’s on my mind

 

And after all I never see you anymore and I can tell

That you’re happy now, you’ve got your girl

You’ve got your life, you’re doing well

 

I wish you well but you can tell I’m only being kind

It’s best that I keep to myself what’s on my mind

 

And after all I never see you anymore and I can tell

That you’re happy now, you’ve got your girl

You’ve got your life, you’re doing well

 

And after all I never see you anymore and I can tell

That you’re happy now, you’ve got your girl

You’ve got your life, you’re doing well

 

Incredible Machine

 

I could be a gardener and devote my life to plants

Or I could be a choreographer and teach the world to dance

Or I could go out travelling to Australia or Peru

I could be an oceanographer and do whatever it is that they do

 

I can be, I can be anything I wanna be

I can be, I can be anything I wanna be

 

I could work with the elderly or the RSPCA

Be a midwife or a postal worker delivering joy each day

I could work in a supermarket or clean around the town

Any of these little things that help the world go round and round

 

I can be, I can be anything I wanna be

The most important thing is I’m gonna be me

I can be, I can be anything I wanna be

The most important thing is I’m gonna be me

 

I could be a care-giver I could be a caretaker

I could be a cabinet maker or a builder or a baker

A barista – or a barrister, both serving at the bar

An astronomer or movie maker, focussing on the stars

The driver of a train or the pilot of a jet

The teacher or the tailor, or the cleaner or the vet

The performer on the stage or one-of-the-ones behind the scenes

They’re all important parts of this incredible machine

 

Incredible machine

 

A farmer or a pharmacist, an actor or an activist

A Beekeeper, housekeeper, goalkeeper, journalist

Ecologist, Biologist, Zoologist, Geologist, neurologist

Psychologist, you get the gist, all parts of this machine

 

Incredible machine

 

A mathematician, a paediatrician, an electrician, a politician

Optician, physician, magician, technician, musician, beautician

All parts of this machine

 

Incredible machine x3

 

The Road (Resurfaced)

 

The alarm was set for 9am but I woke at twenty to

And I’d packed my bag the night before so there wasn’t much to do

And I toyed with the idea of staying underneath the covers

But a ‘van call’ is a ‘van call’ and I had to get the others

We’re meeting up at Tom’s place where John can leave his car

And he’s picked up Robin’s breakables, and Brad and his guitars

The coolbox and the squeezebox the cornet and the snare

The bass cab, the keyboards and with hardly an inch to spare

We’re squeezing in some extra merch I hope we don’t regret this

Nearly done and sure enough somebody mentions Tetris

Fully packed we bagsy seats and off we go again

We have to get to Podimore where we’re meeting up with Ben

He’s packed a pair of tracky B’s in case his jeans get dirty

And he needs to get to Maccy D’s at the latest by ten thirty

J-Lo has his banjo and we’ll meet him at the show

So it’s one last check for passports and we’re out on the road.

 

We have to use the Sat-Nav coz I didn’t take the trouble to

Sellotape the pages back into my A to W

Shouldn’t really need it as it’s only down to Dover

But there are speed restrictions all the way and it stops me going over

It shows an ETA I tend to read as ‘Time to Beat’

And her soothing voice is company when the others fall asleep

We sometimes disagree but on the whole she’s got my back

We’re on first name terms, she calls me Nick, I call her Sat

In the passenger seat playing DJ

Brad gives us Rufus and Ginger and CJ

And a few guilty pleasures, Chicago and Rainbow

We play ‘Would you rather…’ we play ‘Guess the Intro’

We start to regret all the coffee we had as

We pull into Cobham and empty our bladders

We’ve over an hour to go til the boat

So it’s a quick pick-me-up and we’re back on the road

 

We try to look innocent as we go through Customs

They tell me they’re prescription, but I’m not sure I trust ‘em

And an angel in Hi-Vis he comes to the rescue

and shows us the way to the DFDS queue

Red stairs, Deck five, bumper to bonnet

It’s straight to the bar so that Ben can get ‘on it’

There’s nowhere to sit because they’re lying on the benches

So we try to remember what ‘Budge up mate’ in French is

We decide on the restaurant before it gets nasty

and spend eleven quid on seven chips and a pasty

and I head to the shop where I’m guilty of trying

to douse myself in scents I’ve no intention of buying

Up on deck a few guys are smoking cigarettes, one electric, two acoustic and one highly suspect

“Would all drivers and their passengers please return down below” coz it’s back to the tarmac on the wrong side of the road

 

We make it through France and then Belgium and Holland

And turn up in Aachen in time for a roll and

a schnitzel and pizza and pretzel and bier

And go to Zuhause to find Stefan and Pia

It’s lovely to see you but don’t you remember

you postponed the whole tour till the middle of November

It was then that alarm bells started ringing in my head

I was still at home and I was still tucked up in bed

 

Aeroplane Incentives

 

It seems like only yesterday I was singing you to sleep

Aeroplane incentives when you didn’t want to eat

Reading Uncle Lubin in the big armchair

Looking for your uniform and trying to do your hair

Kissing where the pain was, toys all over the place

Crayons in the cafe and trying to clean your face

 

It seems like just this morning we were off on holiday

Counting all the Stobart lorries on the motorway

Working out who’s sleeping where then off to explore

Squeezing into wetsuits for Olympics on the shore

Mermaids and castles shield us from the tide

Board games and jigsaws if we had to stay inside

 

Now the rooms all sit in silence the acoustics are all wrong

I’m not sure what my role is anymore, now you have gone

Will you still be needing me, or wanting my advice

Need someone to talk to, or a shoulder on which to cry

The door is always open if you ever want to come home

But I couldn’t be more proud of you out there on your own…

 

And although I don’t see you so much any more

Now that we’re living apart

Although you don’t fit in my lap any more

There will always be room in my heart

 

Dolly Parton

 

The middle of the night and the pillow’s on the floor

And I’m wide awake again

Maybe I should open up a window

Maybe I just need a little air

 

I had so many plans, so much more to do

And so much more to say

Maybe I’ll just watch another TV show

Maybe that’ll help me to escape

 

You’re the veranda in the driving rain

You’re giving me shelter again and again

None of us have ever known a storm like this before

 

I’m getting used to this, It’s easier than I thought

I might never want to leave

I guess I could just stay here in my living room

But I’d rather just remember how to live

 

You’re the veranda in the driving rain

You’re giving me shelter again and again

None of us have ever known a storm like this before

You’re the marina when the raging sea

throws wave after wave after wave at me

None of us have ever known a storm like this before

 

So I try to hold on to what I heard someone say

You can’t have a rainbow without any rain     x4

 

You’re the veranda in the driving rain

You’re giving me shelter again and again

None of us have ever known a storm like this before

You’re the marina when the raging sea

throws wave after wave after wave after wave

None of us have ever known a storm like this

but it can’t last forever, it’ll brighten up one day.

 

 

Make Yourself At Home

 

It’s a quarter past embarrassing and the sun sets on my face

They filter in in dribs and drabs, I need to get out of this place

I’m the washing machine on your front lawn

I feel like I shouldn’t be here

I’m the charger you left in the wall in the hotel in Langenberg last year

But you say sit down there and make yourself at home

Is the only place I really feel at home

I’m the Gooner at the Shed End on derby day, I’m the Micra in the middle lane

I’m the U2 record that appeared on your phone I feel so out of place

I’m the CCTV in the changing room, the Euro in your purse

I’m the vegan at the barbecue in Bonn, I always fear the worst

But you say sit down there and make yourself at home

Is the only place I really feel at home

The ex at the wedding, the drunk girl you’re bedding, the apostrophe on the greengrocer’s sign

The shampoo bottle you emptied six weeks ago still sitting on the side of your bath in your home

Make yourself at home, is the only place I really feel at home

 

Down With The Yoof

We started in St. Margaret’s Hospice then YMCA

now it’s British Heart Foundation it’s the seventh one today

and I’m wading through the PC games and books and DVDs

so far I’ve found more than twenty seven Bourne Identitys

and I sit down by the changing room and have a little rest

and I see you with a Wrangler top held up against your chest

I realise you’re serious and my heart begins to sink

as you smile and suck in your gut and ask “What do you think?”

 

You should put that shirt back on the rail, pretend it wasn’t there

We all kept quiet when you mentioned growing out your hair

But someone’s gotta tell you and I feel kinda bad

But I don’t wanna be the kid with the double denim dad

 

I don’t mind you hugging me in front of all my mates

And I let it go when you say ‘bae’, ‘amazeballs’, ‘totes’ and ‘blates’

And I understand that sometimes you are gonna wanna dance

Even if it is the can-can you did-did last year in France

I can even cope with Speedos when you take me to the pool

Or flirting with my RE teacher at meetings after school

Or hoonin’ down the High Street, music blaring out the roof

Although Besta Venya’s not exactly ‘Down with the Yoof’

 

Put that shirt back on the rail, pretend it wasn’t there

We all kept quiet when you mentioned growing out your hair

But someone’s gotta tell you and I feel kinda bad

But I don’t wanna be the kid with the double denim dad

 

I know it’s your decision and you have every right

But Whitney dressing up as Britney’s not a pretty sight

I know you’re getting older and I know it must be hard

but know that I am proud of you just the way you are

 

So put that shirt back on the rail, pretend it wasn’t there

We all kept quiet when you mentioned growing out your hair

Someone’s got to tell you and I feel kinda bad

But I don’t wanna be the kid with the double denim dad

No I don’t wanna be the kid with the double denim dad

 

Guess I’ll Never Know

I left it too late on the first train to Arklow this morning

So I sat in the doorwell with a girl who was painting her nails

And each tiny masterpiece, a pastiche of what came before it,

was trying its hardest to stop me from turning away

and just for a moment she noticed me looking

she gave me a smile and it got me thinking

 

What if my heart took my head by the hand

and showed it where to go?

Well I guess I’ll never know

 

I left it too late on the first train to Arklow this morning

so I sat in the doorwell with a guy who was lost in his book

the sound of each page as it turned was a gentle reminder

we were nearing the station so I mustered the courage to look

and just for a moment he noticed me looking

he gave me a smile and it got me thinking

 

What if my heart took my head by the hand

and showed it where to go?

Well I guess I’ll never know

 

I wish I had talked to you and asked how you’re doing

and found out who you were and where you were going

and talked about travelling and movies and music

I wish I had done that but I knew that I’d lose it

 

What if my heart took my head by the hand

and showed it where to go?

Well I guess I’ll never know, I guess I’ll never know

 

Es Tut Mir Leid

Walking down the high street in the middle of Cologne

I’ve got one eye on the pavement and the other’s on my phone

Checking data roaming’s off and searching for WLAN

I’m not looking where I’m going I nearly hit another man

 

I said “Entschuldigung”, he said “Kein problem”

He said “Nichts passiert”, he said “Alles ist okay”

 

I went to find a cafe for a coffee and a cake

And the waitress looked a little like the guy from Less than Jake

If he had shorter dreadlocks and a West Indian dad

I had to pay with fifty euro it was all I had

 

I said “Entschuldigung”, she said “Kein problem”

She said “Nichts passiert”, she said “Alles ist okay”

 

“You really shouldn’t go round saying sorry all the time

The apology it never really seems to fit the crime

You English you’re all the same, you’re far too polite”

And I said “Yes, yes, es tut mir leid”

 

Gonna find a Späti in the middle of the night

I heard the engine roar and I was blinded by the light

I woke up in a hospital and looked up at a guy

Who said he didn’t notice me as he was driving by

 

He said “Entschuldigung”, I said “Kein problem”

I said “Nichts passiert”, I said “Alles ist okay”

 

And he laughed and said “You English, you’re far too polite”

And I said “Yes, yes, es tut mir leid”

 

An Open Letter to my Human

An audible sigh, I open my eyes

As you get your guitar out again

A new set of phosphor bronze, a me-eared pad

And a borrowed Morrisons pen

Here we go again, what will it be this time?

Please tell me it is not another one about the road.

 

I’m going to sleep, I’m not being rude, but I’ve heard it all before

The strangled cat, the same old chords and the awkward metaphors

But wait, what was that? what did I hear you sing?

Please tell me it was not about the Government

 

Coz you and stuff like that don’t seem to fit at all

And if anyone sang along it would be a miracle

stick to tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or satirical

coz you don’t know enough about politics to sing political

 

You think an opinion poll is a cocky European

I’m surprised you even vote

We only saw Question Time earlier this week

Coz I chewed through your remote

Here we go again, what did I hear you sing?

Please tell me it was not about the budget cuts

 

Coz you and stuff like that don’t seem to fit at all

And if anyone sang along it would be a miracle

stick to tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or satirical

coz you don’t know enough about politics to sing political

 

Stop writing that protest song

Let’s hear about the road

Leave it to Bragg and Prowse and Chris T-T

and others in the know

 

Coz you and stuff like that don’t seem to fit at all

And if anyone sang along it would be a miracle

stick to tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or satirical

coz you don’t know enough about politics to sing political

 

You’d take gunpowder into parliament but it wouldn’t be lit at all

You know the basics like to never vote UKIP at all

You make a beeline for the polling station

Coz you’re not hypocritical

But you don’t know enough about politics to sing political

You just don’t know enough about politics to sing political

 

Half a song for Suzy

Well the night it has borrowed the sun

And the darkness hangs still in the air

But the morning chorus will soon kick in

Honey you’ll make it I swear

 

And there’s a dream I’ve been meaning to dream

You’re a bird and you’re no longer scared

You’ve spread your wings and taken flight

Honey you’ll make it I swear

 

Departures

The bus pulled into Heathrow and it left me on the street

I went to find departures and I had a bite to eat

Check-in wasn’t open so I had a little time

To get a pen and paper and to watch the world go by

 

The lady with the zimmer frame was first to catch my eye

Part of me was thinking that she’s far too frail to fly

The steward with her luggage clearly thought the same as me

As he struggled with her trolley he smiled and rolled his eyes at me

And daddy’s in his Chelsea shirt it’s bursting at the seams

There’s sunburn where his hair should be I hope he’s packed some cream

And Brandon’s playing up again and Courteney’s in a hess

And mother’s doing all she can to stay inside her dress

And a bunch of lads are waving round a giant England flag

Most of them in matching shirts and one of them in drag

They’ve had a drink too many and they’re getting out of hand

And now they’re off to Amsterdam to represent our land

 

There’s a girl who looks like Glastonbury with hair braids and a tan

And tickets from the festy from her elbow to her hand

She spent a year at uni and got lost along the way

And now she’s off to India to find herself again

I’m trying to find a coffee coz my throat is getting dry

I’m holding out for a Nero, so I pass the others by

And I find a quiet table in the corner by the tree

And a yuppie (or whatever you call them now) sits down next to me

I’m really glad he did though as we had a lovely chat

He asked about the kids, the house, the dog, the car, the cat

And then he asked me what I really wanted from my life

And only then I realised he was hands-free to his wife

 

And there’s a lady in her forties, she’s crouching on all fours

With bottles creams and aerosols all strewn across the floor

She hadn’t read the small print and she tried to take too much

And now instead of sailing through she’s holding everybody up

And there’s a final call for a Mr. Hall who’s flying to Dubai

Followed by a red-faced fella swiftly skipping by

He’d been there for an hour or two, we met in Duty Free

He must have settled in the bar or drifted off to sleep

And there’s a guy who looks like Rooney but with a couple extra pounds

Writing in his notebook and occasionally looking round

A strawberry blond with stubble and a double chin or three

Reflected in the window, I realise that guy is me

 

A Simple Song

Never gonna buy a jet plane

Or a diamond wedding ring

Chanel, Dior, Versace,

Armani,  can’t buy these things

I’d love to buy you everything

I think you know it’s true

But all I have is a simple song for you

 

I can’t provide a big house

Or someone to keep it clean

Can’t ‘Ford ‘Mustang

Or stretch to a Limousine

I’d love to buy you everything

I think you know it’s true

But all I have is a simple song for you

 

You can forget about the holiday in La Rochelle

Because I checked my balance and nearly fell

I would go to the Casino but I’m not into gamblin’

And the royalties will always pay the bills

Though we ain’t ever gonna live like Kate and Wills

I’ll keep the wolf from the door with this old mandolin

 

Maybe when we’re old and doddery

I will try and win the lottery

“In it to win it” you gotta be after all

 

I can’t even give you my heart

It’s working five to five

Spinning platelets round my body

Keeping me alive

I’d love to give you everything

I think you know it’s true

But all I have is a simple song for you

All I have is a simple song for you.

 

Ode to Marburg

It’s so good to be here, I’ve travelled all day and all night

And I was torn between Bla Bla and Mitfahrgelegenheit

And I fell asleep for a while without even knowing

And I awoke to the sound of a bloke asking where I was going

 

And I said I’m going to Marburg and I’m gonna be some time

Have a Schluck in the Schlucke and a Bier in the Hinkelstein

Or a Rostige Nagel, or a whiskey, tequila or wine

At Molly’s or Sudhaus or Deli or any that rhyme

 

So wake me up when we get there

We still have a few hours to go

‘Til we hit the station

We still have a few hours to go

 

Yeah I’m going to Marburg and I’m gonna see my friends

Climb up to the Schloß and then swim in the Lahn again

Start out at the Steinweg with the friendliest people I know

And end up at Trauma mit Lecker Eck on the way home

 

So wake me up when we get there

We still have a few hours to go

‘Til we hit the station

We still have a few hours to go

Now I’m here at Molly’s, I’m tired and it’s getting late

And I’m staring cross-eyed down my SM58

And my T-shirt is soaked, it feels like I’ve been out in the rain

But I can’t tell you how good it feels to be in Marburg again

 

More Like This?

A friend of mine once told me he was moving to the city

Coz he wants to get a job and get a flat and settle down and marry

But two weeks later he was flat broke living back with his folks

Maybe you should try to write a song about that

 

Remember that guy Darwin who went out in his canoe one day

But disappeared and never made it back and they all thought he drowned?

Well they found him five years later hanging round in South America

You should try to write a song about that

 

So I did, What d’you think? Are you happy now? Are you happy now?

 

You know that thing when you go shopping, forget a basket and end up dropping

All the stuff you’re buying on the floor, you pick it up again

You try to leave but minutes later you’ve bought a dodgy generator

In the car park? You should write a song about that

 

So I did, What d’you think? Are you happy now? Are you happy now?

 

Or did you want it to go more like this? More like this? Did you want it to go more like this?

 

You know that thing that happens when you open up an app you didn’t even need

So you sigh and look away, pretend it never happened?

And the licking of your fingertips to stop the chewing gum from sticking

When you throw it away? You could write about that

 

So I did, What d’you think? Are you happy now? Are you happy now?

So I did, What d’you think? Are you happy now? Are you happy now?

 

Or did you want it to go more like this? More like this? Did you want it to go more like this?

Did you want it to go more like this? More like this? Did you want it to go more like this?

 

Not Fooling Me

You look so peaceful lying down there

With one hand on your shoulder and one in your hair

Your eyelids are flickering, you’re pretending to sleep

You’re trying not to smile, but you’re not fooling me

No you’re not fooling me

 

You think with your hair up they won’t notice you

But with that smile and that heart, there’s not much you can do

The beauty is there for all to see

Everything’s perfect, you’re not fooling me

No you’re not fooling me

You’re not fooling me

No you’re not fooling me

 

So slow down your breathing and close your eyes

I’m going nowhere I’ll stay by your side

But I’m dying to watch you so I’ll keep on the light

You need the sleep so I’ll bid you goodnight

I’ll bid you goodnight

 

The Other Half

Well the rain comes to terms with the ground

And the thunder replaces the air

But the sun does its thing above the clouds

Honey you’ll make it I swear

 

And the winter seems so cold and so long

And the trees have all gone bare

But spring is just around the corner

Honey you’ll make it I swear

 

Could we at least try?   Dear Larissa, I hope you’re okay I don’t really know how to start I know that I love you and I think you love me But it feels like we’re drifting apart Dear Sebastian, I know what you mean, I guess I’ve had lots on my mind But know that I love you and know that I care And know I won’t leave you behind   Could we at least try?   Dear Larissa, I don’t mean to pry But something just doesn’t feel right You don’t leave the house till the sun has gone down And seem to be working all night Dear Sebastian I need to come clean My life isn’t quite what it seems I work in the city like I told you I did But my office is out on the street   Could we at least try?   Okay Larissa let’s call it a day I meant all that I said before But if I can’t have you all to myself Larissa I don’t want you at all Forgive me Sebastian I beg you to stay And I meant what I said at the start It’s only my body that I lend to these men Sebastian you have my heart Sebastian you have my heart   Could we at least try?

Jerusalem   Marimba woke me up today with a smile She told me to get up out of bed I had somewhere to go Mum and Dad are going away for a while I’ll never get a better chance of being alone and everybody knows I wouldn’t want it any other way. A cappuccino marks the start of my day now nothing can come between my song and myself desperately trying to find things to say something that might mean something to somebody else but everybody knows, everybody knows   That Jerusalem wasn’t written in a day no Jerusalem wasn’t written in a day   I’ve been here almost half a day in this room and I’ve got temporary words and ‘that’ll do’ chords but even when I try to sing a different tune everything sounds like something I’ve heard before but everybody knows, everybody knows   That Jerusalem wasn’t written in a day no Jerusalem wasn’t written in a day   Marimba woke me up today with a smile reminded me I never finished writing this one out Mum and Dad are home again for a while I guess that this will have to do for now

Oceanographer   There must be a place Where we can go Where we can be left all alone Where all we can hear is the wind in the trees The occasional bird and the waves upon the shore   Oceanographer, oceanographer I don’t even know what it is that you do But by the sound of your name You sound like you could find us an island   There must be a place Where we can go Where we can be left all alone Where all we can feel is each other’s touch The occasional kiss and our breath upon our skin   Oceanographer, oceanographer I don’t even know what it is that you do But by the sound of your name You sound like you could find us an island

Never been to Dublin before   I sit with my ear to the glass and the glass to the door it’s the door to the room where the music is playing “Don’t go, don’t leave me now, now, now, now.” Sometimes the door would be open enough and I’d sit on the step and I’d listen to what they were slurring. It was something ‘bout a factory wall.   I grew up on Liam and Davy and Mike and on Glen and on Shane and on Paul But I’ve never been to Dublin before, I’ve never been to Dublin before.   The days I liked most were the trips to the coast with the top down, the tape in, the sound up and singing along “Sing a song, a powerful song” The long trip to Greenbelt in your Renault 18 felt much shorter with Fisherman’s Blue and This is the Sea. “Don’t bang the drum, don’t bang the drum”   I grew up on Liam and Davy and Mike and on Glen and on Shane and on Paul But I’ve never been to Dublin before, I’ve never been to Dublin before.   And I’ll get all my tax sent, I’ll sing with an accent with which I had never been born And just for the craic, make a hole in my scratchplate to fit in a little bit more But I’ve never been to Dublin before, I’ve never been to Dublin before.   I sit with my ear to the glass and the glass to the door it’s the door to the room where the music is playing “44 beautiful dancers” Now I put my ear to the plug and the plug to the jack and the jack to the phone where I hear you again, “I see your heart and raise you mine”   I grew up on Liam and Davy and Mike and on Glen and on Shane and on Paul I’ll wear clothes like my dad had and I’ll tune down to DADGAD And I’ll play till my fingers are raw And I’ll stand on the street and I’ll sing ‘til I’m beat And I’ll play all my songs in 3/4 But I’ve never been to Dublin before, I’ve never been to Dublin before.

Come on! Jump over your shadow   I don’t wanna get too close this year Coz in a month or two you’re going to disappear While one eye is laughing The other sheds a tear   And I wanna share this one with you I wanna share this one with you, with you   I don’t wanna get too close tonight I made that mistake before and I want to get it right While one hand is calling The other’s saying stay   And I wanna share this one with you I wanna share this one with you, with you

Something Someone Said   The handle turns, she wanders in This will be the highlight of my day Everything is in its place I wouldn’t want her any other way But something must be eating her Something must be eating her inside   She throws her coat upon the bed Walks across and looks me in the eye She holds her gaze and holds her breath Then shuts her eyes and frees a heavy sigh But something must be eating her Something must be eating her inside   But all I can do is sit there and watch it happen   I wonder what she’s thinking now I want to know what’s going through her head It may be lack of confidence It might be simply something someone said But something must be eating her Something must be eating her inside   But all I can do is sit there and watch it happen   The handle turns, she wanders in This will be the highlight of my day

Tom, Dick and Harry. (Ode to the Open Mic part II)   Tom, Dick and Harry they’re all coming down Tuesday’s the new Friday in this part of town Some come to socialise and some come to drink And some come to listen or play or to sing First up’s a guy who we’ve all seen before Luscious red hair nearly down to the floor C’mon everybody, sing it with me It’s the one that I play every week   Why aren’t you listening? You at the back, I bet you don’t go to the movies and chat You come here to listen but just sit there and talk, Sometimes I wonder why I bother at all. Next up’s a guy who’s one heck of a unit I’ll lend him my capo but I’m not going to tune it How did I do? Did you like what you heard? Soon they’ll be singing this all over the world.   I shouldn’t complain though, it’s what makes this town Each mover and shaker, each poet and clown And talking of shakers, please leave it at home It’s hard enough keeping in time on my own It’s not really helping I’ve had it up to here And I don’t want to have to write the same song next year I’m sorry to say it, but it won’t be long Till every Tom, Dick and Harry has bought  cajon Some say I’m a plagiarist, some say a phoney Just coz this song sounds like My Little Pony but rather than change it I’ll stick to my guns There’s nothing original under the sun

The Conjuror   Never been a smoker but I’ll share that one with you Never been a fighter but I’ll put up one for you Never been a drinker okay maybe one or two Coz it helps to take the edge off being me   Never been a gambler but I’ll take a chance on you I’ll play my winning hand and then I’ll offer it to you I’ve never been a dancer but I want this one with you Because you make me feel a little less like me Yeah you help to take the edge off being me   I went to all the lessons but I never made the grade I always read the rules but I’m never in the game I’m often out of focus but I’m always in the frame   Never been a conjuror but I’ll make us disappear Babe we could go anywhere, anywhere from here I’m only really happy when I’m lying in your arms Coz you make feel a little less like me Yeah you help to take the edge of being me

Terry and June   I’ll be your Terry if you’ll be my June The book you curl up with on a grey afternoon I’ll be your Wilma if you’ll be my Fred I’ll be your soldier if you’ll be my egg   And I’ll be the snowflake you catch on your tongue I’ll be the couch when your day’s work is done I’ll be the pencil if you’ll be the ruler I’ll be your Fat Sam if you’ll be my Tallulah   I’ll be the armpit if you’ll be the crutch The film on your touchscreen if you’ll be the touch I’ll be the camera if you’ll be the pose I’ll be your Jack babe if you’ll be my Rose   I’ll be the lightbulb if you’ll be the moth Your frown and your facepaint if you’ll be the goth And I’ll be your new car with one lady owner I’ll be your Shrek babe if you’ll be my Fiona   I’ll be your Homer if you’ll be my Duff The blade on your 9 iron when you’re in the rough I’ll be your ripped jeans if you’ll be my Bros I’ll be your Goldman if you’ll be my Woss. And I’ll be your rawlplug if you’ll be the screw Your in-off-the-pink babe if you’ll be the cue I’ll be your basket if you’ll be the wash, I will be David, you can be Posh   And I’ll be the snowflake you catch on your tongue I’ll be the couch when your day’s work is done I’ll be the office if you’ll be the cleaner I’ll be your Brad if you’ll be my Angelina.

Another Journey Home   Another town, another bar, another end of show Another song, another drink and then we have to go It doesn’t have to be the end though It won’t be long   Till we meet again   Another night, another bed, another great unknown Another day, another train, another journey home It doesn’t have to be the end though It won’t be long   Till we meet again

KING OF FALSE ALARMS

Comfort or Convenience my phone must have been off or something
think my battery died. we’ll wait to hear the single
then go back inside, you sort out the coffees
I’ll take care of the pies, comfort or convenience?
comfort every time
I want you to stay another day
we wanted to stay for Giant Sand
couldn’t hear a thing, sitting with JJ and Juliet
and Ant and a few of their friends
so good to see these old faces
some bigger, others have shrunk
can’t believe you’re going home
maybe next year then
I want you to stay another day
trying to call you since quarter to ten just to
tell you I’m off for the day and to tell you the
pole that you mended has broken again so we’ll
have to go sleep in the car if it rains and the
perry’s too strong and the beer tastes the same and the drinkers are dancing and singing your name and the people I knew then have other friends now and that’s why I want you to stay right where you are.

He should be home by now
she’s old enough to marry, but not old enough to drive
taken all her savings and booked herself a flight
she’s on her way to New York to find a better life
I just hope she makes it out alive
she’s old enough to be here
but not old enough to drink
she took the time to stare at him
but not the time to think
the woman with her arm around him
may just be his wife
I just hope she makes it out alive
he’s old enough to use a gun
but far too young to die
he’s looking through the sights tonight
but he can’t work out why
surely that guy’s just a little kid like me
I just hope he makes it out alive
he’s finished on the late shift
and he stops off at the bar
has a few too many and decides to leave his car
takes the bridge and then the
little short cut through the park
I just hope he makes it out alive
he should be home by now

The Happiest Man
I know that God has a plan for each tick
and each tock of our lives
it was love at first click my dear
turning to look as you
come down the aisle
my nervousness hidden
by the biggest of smiles my dear
I’m the happiest man in the world
I forget some things but fondly remember
that walk down the beach
at the end of December my dear
I love how your hand finds
the gaps in my fingers
and your scent in my car
seems to linger and linger and linger.
March twenty seven,
we didn’t quite plan it right
the clock changing means
an hour less in our bed tonight dear.
our friendship has blossomed
the romance unfurled
right now I’m the happiest
man in the world my dear.

Things That I Miss
seeing you smile as you walk down the road
the hug and the welcome home kiss
and hearing about what you did in your class
are just some of the things that I miss
the chat at the table at the end of the day
the hug and the tenth goodnight kiss
your beautiful face as you’re falling asleep
are just some of the things that I miss
please take care of our children love
tell them I wanted to stay
tell them I’m sorry I couldn’t be here
tell them I love them each day
lying in bed and reviewing the day
the hug and the lingering kiss
the fumbling and mumbling into the night
are just some of the things that I miss
your toss and your turn and your groan and your yawn
the hug and the good morning kiss
sharing a drink and bad breath when we wake
are just some of the things that I miss
tell them I feel every tear they cry
and I hear every prayer that they pray
assure them the pain that I lived with is gone
and I’ll see them again some day

Proof of Planes
5.30am and the lights get brighter
the proof of planes plays aerial noughts and crosses
we have to stop now please be back by 6
so near yet so far from Breda
a little further and we’ve made it
it wasn’t so bad after all
for me it certainly was worth it
years on just look what I’ve got
I’m leaning on the coast, they don’t ask, they don’t know.
the way I choose my fate.
I think that three of them are sleeping
I think that three of them are tired
I’m glad we made that big decision and
we’re now not thinking about what we might have had.

Here With You (Ode to the Open Mic)
how about something we know?
The Jam, Pink Floyd or The Who,
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones
I’ve had it up to here with you
I want more top in the wedge
I could have been in U2
my uncle’s even met The Edge
I’ve had it up to here with you
I still don’t know how to play,
and then again, neither do you,
the house of the rising sun
I’ve had it up to here with you
maybe it’s only a phase, I don’t know
maybe it’s all my fault, I don’t know
maybe I just need a break
you’re proud of the wind in your sails
exaggerate all that you do
you shriek and you squawk at the top of your voice
I’ve had it up to here with you
why won’t you tell them my name?
they seem to like what I do
well it’s not really my place to say,
but they’ve had it up to there with you too.

Metaphor
Jenny’s dropped her doll again I don’t know where it is, we’ve looked
behind the sofa and it’s not behind the fridge. just when I have calmed her and explained she’s many more, you just go and spoil it all by waltzing through the door. Katie’s had a hard day and she’s dropping off in bed, I gave her milk and said her prayers and stroked her tiny head. just as she is drifting off she gives a little moan, you come rushing through the door and pick her up again.
how am I to do my job with you here all the time? I’m a general in an army, but the army isn’t mine and I’m trying to find a metaphor to show you I can’t cope, I feel like a hangman at the wrong end of the rope.
Jack is getting grumpy and we’re struggling with his tea, the first few mouthfuls sailed in and now we’re down to three. just as he has come to terms with what he has to eat, you come walking through the door and offer him some sweets. Tom has grazed his knee again, the second time this week, falling off his BMX and landing on the street. just when I had soothed him and helped him through the pain, you come in and spoil it, saying the pavement is to blame.
how am I to do my job? you don’t know what it’s like, I’m a singer in a boy band but the one without the mic and I’m searching for a metaphor for what’s inside my head, I feel like Anelka, but I’m sitting in row Z.
how am I to do my job? I know you mean no harm, I’m the drummer in Def Leppard but I’ve lost my other arm and I’m struggling for a metaphor to how you how I feel, I’m driving in my car but someone else is at the wheel.

Blackmail
I’ll do what I can to keep you
I’ll blackmail you if I must
I’ve kept my side of the bargain
done everything we had discussed
all of the words
in all of the books
in all of the world
won’t make it all right
when you tell me you’re leaving
and not coming back
a year and a half is possible
and a hundred and fifty’s okay
if only you had been available
I think we’d have made it today

Outtake
another week has passed and still no sign
I’m twiddling my thumbs again
I don’t know how much longer I must wait
before I can see your face
I’m wasting time
it might not be today
it was in fact that day and now you’re here
the waiting is over
you’re somebody to love someone to care for
and maybe I’ll hold you soon
if I could just pull you out
I’ll take you out
every day I get to know you more
and love what I’m seeing
I’m grateful for your presence,
you beautiful being

I’m Content With You
there was one who looked like Demi Moore
sitting cross-legged on the floor
there was one crouched on the stairs
pulling split ends from her hair
but they mean nothing to me,
I’m content with you
there was one with incredible eyes
and dark hair all swept to one side
there was one with a beautiful smile
looking at me all the time
but they mean nothing to me,
I’m content with you
I can’t believe you’re asking again
I’ve made up my mind, I’m not gonna change it
there was one that I knew from my school
and one that I’d been with before
there was one with unfinished tattoos
and one with the fake Jimmy Choos
but they mean nothing to me,
I’m content with you

Please Don’t Turn Red
hey man, dip your headlights
how am I supposed to see?
hey girl, stick to your side
you can get a bus through there!
It’s like I’m talking to myself,
please don’t turn red.
hey man, overtake me
if you think I drive too slow,
hey girl, lose your fog lights,
the fog left us a mile ago.
It’s like I’m talking to myself,
please don’t turn red.
I’ve got another hour to go
and I just want to be at home
instead of talking to myself,
I’m bored of talking to myself
please don’t turn red